If you had asked me when I was active in addiction what the meaning of Christmas was, I would have told you, the substantial amount of food available, the getting dressed up, the drinking and partying in the pubs and the nightclubs and receiving lots and lots and lots of gifts.
Eating at Christmas time was always different from the rest of the year. For most of the year I would be secretly eating but for that short week in December, I had free reign. It was that one time when everyone seemed to want to eat the way I did every single day. It was acceptable to eat chocolate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper and beyond.
Diet, diet, diet was my mantra
As soon as the 26th of December would land, the guilt and the resolutions would start. My determination would be fierce and I was in full swing the other way. Diet, Diet, Diet was my mantra. The calendar would be set, my new routine would begin and everyone better stay out of my way (and not eat anything delicious) because I was on my new weight loss buzz. I was always convinced that the reason I felt so terrible inside was because of my weight. If I just got to my ideal weight, size and look, life would be so much better.
Christmas in recovery was different
The gift of sobriety happened to me in the month of November. That first Christmas without addictively eating, drinking or taking drugs was quite different. I didn’t believe I would make it through. My day started with a meeting at 7am and to this day, I think it was one of the biggest meetings I’ve ever been to. My friends whom I was spending Christmas with that year decided they would cook dinner. I was incredibly grateful that I had my food plan and a specific time to eat and that I didn’t have to make any decisions about my food, especially when Christmas dinner for my friends got eaten at 11.30 that night!
My second Christmas I spent at home with my family. By this time, the obsession and compulsion to want to eat had left me and I was really happy to be in the company of those that I love. I was able to remain calm when my dad accidentally knocked his glass of wine onto my meal that day. Bless his heart! He felt so bad. Thank God for other members being available to help me by phone and the willingness I had to call and ask for guidance. For me, it’s not about the food but about whether or not I am ready to surrender all my decisions about food. Once that’s in my life, the rest falls into place!
Christmas in recovery is different and my life has changed
This Christmas, I got to go to some lovely meetings. I really enjoyed hearing and seeing the members share the joy and happiness they’ve found through this way of life. To hear of their plans to spend time with their families and how those relationships have been healed. I also found it incredibly humbling to hear those members who have ‘gone back out there’ and are now trying to pick themselves back up from the devastation that addiction causes. Each one said the same, they stopped going to meetings and then sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly that insidious thought returned, ‘One would be fine’.
How life has moved on in sobriety. Today I have a beautiful family that I cherish and adore. Two children under 2 years old and life can only be described as blissfully busy. I’ve needed an enormous amount of help with being a mum. I have a lot of fear over ‘Am I doing this parenting thing right? What if I mess up? How will I look to others?’ All those self-centred fears can take over and can take me away from being present with them. My sponsor helps me on an ongoing basis to keep it in the day and straightens me out when I go off beam. Going to meetings regularly and hearing members of this fellowship share how they live sober, helps me, time and time again.
Christmas this past year was extra special. The magical aspect of a fat man coming down the chimney was quite astounding. I never could have imagined that reading ‘The Night Before Christmas’, watching The Snowman on TV and trying to spot Santa’s sleigh with a 2 year old on Christmas Eve would be the highlights of my Christmas. To see joy and excitement in my children is a gift straight from my Higher Power. My husband is happy to have a simple Christmas dinner and eat at the same time that my food plan is set for me. We have quality time together and also with extended family on the days that suit them.
New Year's Resolutions are not something that I heed to. Every day is a new day. Or as someone once said to me… You can start the day again at any time!
I now know what the true meaning of Christmas is… God, Sobriety, Love, Family, Fellowship and a Thankful Heart.