Addictive Eaters Anonymous Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Two works in my life today as much as when I was newly sober
One of my spiritual readings today included the quote from the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous, how “lack of power was our dilemma. We had to find a path by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.”(Alcoholics Anonymous, P.45) That is what the Big Book is about. It enables me to find a Power greater than myself which solves my problem of addictive eating and all my problems today. That promise is wonderful. I love it and I need it today, even more than the very first day when I asked someone to help me in Addictive Eaters Anonymous.
For the first two years of my sobriety, I was in the habit of reading Alcoholics Anonymous (Big Book) every day. That was not a problem as I love the contents of the Big Book. What I missed though was a practical working relationship with a Higher Power. How was I going to tap into God’s grace? The God of my childhood had been way off in the skies, and I didn't believe He was interested in my weight or the contents of my plate. I thought He was far too busy looking after bigger things, rather than little unimportant me. When the 12 Step programme taught me that I was the problem, that food was a symptom, and that I needed a Power greater than myself, I just didn't know how to go about that.
Being restored to sanity is phenomenal
One day, it suddenly came to me. The sentence, “God either is, or He isn't” came into my heart as I was driving to work. In all of the background white noise in my mind about my intense and heavy job, full of responsibilities, there was a sense that I have got to use God, of my understanding, right now to calm my head. Then I started to recite favorite prayers, the Step Three prayer(Alcoholics Anonymous, P.63), the Step Seven prayer(Alcoholics Anonymous, P.76) and other well known prayers from outside our fellowship. I had fun slowly saying each word as I was driving, careful to observe the traffic, of course, but really accentuating each word, and feeling a spiritual presence. Now, I understand that mantras, or sacred words, and focusing on my breath, help me to slow my speaking and my driving. They really assist in bringing me into the present moment and restoring me to sanity, as promised in Step Two.
It is miraculous that I can go into a delicatessen or a chocolatier shop. I can go into my kitchen or a takeaway, and not one bone in my body craves or needs sweet, salty, or fatty food. Where does that come from? It comes from this programme of first admitting my powerlessness and then finding a Power by which I can live. Each day, I start my morning by being still, reading the literature, sharing with other members on the phone, and praying. That is a wonderful foundation. As I grow in sobriety, I do not feel the need to meditate for 20 minutes sitting still. I meditate for moments, pausing throughout the day, pausing before I get in the car, pausing when I arrive at the car park, pausing just before I ask for help in a supermarket or pay a bill, or when I am challenged by a phone call, or an email.
Today I was aware of a little cloud in my mind that said, “Have you done enough today? This life is too easy. I should do more.” So I deliberately counted how many phone calls I made to help others, or received to share my experience, strength and hope of recovery. After counting many calls, including to my sponsor, I thought, What else have I done today? I did the washing, I walked my neighbor's dogs, I went to my community class and I visited three of my neighbors. I made sure that I paused and asked them how they were. Still, my mind attacked me with, have you done enough? That voice is lessening and doesn't occur very often, but every now and again, the insanity is there. It is like the illness hangs around the atmosphere, just waiting for a chance to torment me, saying I am not enough.
By God’s grace, I am available to show up for sobriety and for life
I'm pleased to say that I had a nap and I read from one of my spiritual books this afternoon. I did some service by listening to someone read the draft about sponsorship in AEA. There has been lots of pausing today, lots of challenging those thoughts and saying, “No, I am alive, get away from me.” Then I had the pleasure of ringing another person at 4:15pm as I had promised to do this blog. When I told my sponsor about this recurring thought that I am not enough, she said that I don't have to listen to that negative voice. And that was the end of that. It is true that God continues to restore me to sanity. God is with me. God is with all of us and life, God unfolds in the moment. By God’s grace, I am available every morning, like my sponsor makes herself available, to take phone calls from AEA members and anyone interested in our sober way of life. Likewise, I ring the people whom I know will help me in my sobriety. In the beginning, I chased after longer sober members and I still run after them now. It is just a way of life.
If I am not careful, my ego can interfere at any time. Even when I am trying to be of service, I can tell myself, I better be a good sponsor, I better say the right thing. Then I remember that I am not in charge. I am simply the eyes and ears present with God in this moment. I remind myself that I no longer have to pretend. I do not have to remember everything or be the perfect sponsor. I just shut my eyes. I breathe. I pause before phoning or meeting with another AEA member. Without any conscious effort on my part, I remember what I need to say or think of something that may help. The intuitive spirit within just knows what is needed. In moments like that, I believe that it is God directing my thinking and my actions. When I am blessed with helping others, such as listening to someone’s 4th Step recently, I believe that God is guiding me, that it is not me. Part of me does not want to share this because it may lack humility, but this is how we really do work with each other. I try to always remember, it is not all about me, and to let God in in the silence. I ask for his direction and care, as I work with others. I practice letting it go. I cannot stay sober on yesterday's Step Two or yesterday's prayer. I have to do it all again today. And repeat.